The Art of Living in Shitty Times
How my brain injury prepared me for this pandemic
Note: Originally published April 2020.
There are times in our lives where quite frankly, things are shit. And we may wonder, why is this happening to me? But, in light of recent events, I’ve come to realize that those downtimes happen for a reason. Sometimes that reason is apparent immediately, and sometimes it takes months or years to come to fruition.
To the unbeknown to many, for the past year, I’ve been social distancing and in a semi-quarantine for reasons unrelated to Covid-19. Last summer, I was bucked off a horse, went flying over her head, landed on mine, and got my 3rd concussion. No biggy, right? Take a few weeks off and sit in a dark room, and you’ll be fine. That’s what I thought. It turns out that every brain injury is completely different, and this time it sucked big time.
There have been 50+ medical visits, including tests, specialists, emergency room, physical therapy, and emotional therapy. In addition to the usual concussion symptoms, I developed motility and sensitivity issues in my gastrointestinal tract, limiting my ability to consume certain foods. I underwent various tests and concluded that I had developed a histamine intolerance, which may or may not be more severe, called mast cell disease.
In the darkest times, I spent days with splitting headaches, nausea, and the feeling of fogginess. I don’t quite know how to explain it, but it’s a mix between a terrible hangover and pulling an all-nighter. New medications sent me into a frenzy of side effects, almost fainting on occasion. Sometimes I couldn’t function, physically and emotionally.
I’m fortunate that I could work from home. And when I was laid off, I moved home to recover with my family. I haven’t been to a bar in almost a year, I haven’t had a restaurant meal in a year, and I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to go to a concert again. But throughout this experience, I’ve learned to manage my new life and the feelings of fear and isolation. As a result, I’ve become a much stronger person.
Yet, just when I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it was as if the rest of the world decided to join me. So while we’re here, in this tunnel together, I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned.
1. The Most Powerful Weapon We Have is Community
I know many will become incredibly scared, anxious, and depressed. And I get it; for the first time in my life, I turned to therapy. It’s been incredible at helping me get through the emotional rollercoaster I unwillingly boarded. But what made me feel better was talking to other people who had experienced my pain.
What’s happening in the world today is a shared shitty experience. It’s arguably one of the only times that the entire human race has a common enemy. And I don’t believe it will be the last.
What’s happening in the world today, is uniquely, a shared shitty experience.
I understand that people with chronic illnesses are more vulnerable to this virus, and people with family members on the front line have a higher risk. I’ve learned to respect that and thank every single person for the contribution they’re making to keep the rest of us safe. But we also need to do our part.
2. Learning to Change Is Difficult But Necessary
I was living in Hong Kong back in 2004 during the SARS pandemic. I was young and not fully aware of it, but I knew it was severe. I remember getting my temperature checked as I walked into school and singing Happy Birthday as I washed my hands. I even remember a feeling of relief when I was told I’d be dissecting a frog virtually instead of a real one. I was never a fan of blood.
When I look back on that time in my life, I don’t remember the fear, but simply a few months of living a different life. Sometimes it’s hard to change our habits and what we’re used to doing. I spent months after my head injury rejecting the pain and trying to fight the fact that my life needed to change to get better. When I finally gave in, I started to appreciate everything else a lot more.
When I look back on that time in my life, I don’t remember fear, but simply a few months of living a different life.
A few months ago, I was in a noisy environment wearing earplugs, but I didn’t get headaches. Instead, I got tears in my eyes. I was so thrilled to be in a social setting without pain. Unfortunately, we‘ve had to change our lives now, but we will appreciate our ability to be social even more when this is all over. And we will know what it’s like for people out there with illnesses that limit their ability to take part.
3. Everything Is Temporary
In some of my darkest days, I would repeat this phrase to myself over and over, and it would make me feel better. Temporary can mean one hour, six days, or six months, but nothing will last forever, especially if we don’t let it.
Temporary can mean one hour, 6 days or 6 months, but nothing will last forever.
We all need to do our part in social distancing, but we are also responsible for staying physically and mentally healthy. Enduring a brain injury has made me realize that our mind is so much more powerful than any of us realize. If it doesn’t work correctly, then our body doesn’t either, but if we can heal our minds, our body will too.
We will lose our social activities and jobs, and unfortunately, some of us will lose people we love. But the feelings we endure will be temporary, and it will make us stronger and better humans.
